beg to differ

Summary of the Weekend

Mon, 21 May 2012 01:43:34 -0700

Me: Want to watch The Avengers with me?
Girl: Yeah, sure okay!
Me: Does this Friday sound good?
Girl: NO
*END OF CONVERSATION*

Dinner: nothing at In n Out.

Sun, 20 May 2012 20:35:08 -0700

Dinner: nothing at In n Out.

Photo

Sun, 20 May 2012 19:51:12 -0700

Managed to stay paleo at home. Finding ingredients in a standard...

Sun, 20 May 2012 14:46:44 -0700

Managed to stay paleo at home. Finding ingredients in a standard family kitchen is like hunting and gathering.

Home alone with my best friend.

Sat, 19 May 2012 13:52:16 -0700

Home alone with my best friend.

Photo

Sat, 19 May 2012 03:51:56 -0700

if only my skillet could be as smooth as this

Sat, 19 May 2012 02:11:00 -0700

if only my skillet could be as smooth as this

Drive (2011)

Sat, 19 May 2012 02:05:01 -0700

Drive (2011)

I was this close to just murking myself if these muffins...

Fri, 18 May 2012 22:27:42 -0700

I was *this close* to just murking myself if these muffins didn’t come out right, but luckily they did and they were delicious. I gave two to my roommates who are on/or have been on paleo and they killed em fast. Saving the last one for my mom :3

I think it’s great that I’m learning how to cook because I’m eating better, I’m healthier, but most importantly because the chance of a wife is looking pretty slim at this point.

lol when I make statuses with multiple comments that are...

Fri, 18 May 2012 22:25:32 -0700

lol when I make statuses with multiple comments that are necessary for the punchline of the joke, fukken facebook collapses the first 4 comments!

so any time one of you comments on a status I probably delete it. no offense~

but really I had a bad day of 4 hrs of sleep after drinking alcohol for the first time in a long time, having lab, cutting myself soooo bad trying to shave, and sustaining a 2nd degree burn on my thumb.

all i wanted to do today was make and eat muffins

So I’m at Dave & Busters with a bunch of other awkward...

Fri, 18 May 2012 22:15:21 -0700

So I’m at Dave & Busters with a bunch of other awkward nerdy engineer guys for my buddy Karl’s birthday. We sit down and order some drinks (except for me, I order water, because #1 I’m a pussy #2 I’m a pussy on a diet so I just get sweet potato fries, which makes no sense to any of my friends). For some reason, ANY time alcohol is introduced to my friends two things happen — we try to pick up girls for my roommate Darryl, and if that fails, which it inevitably does, they tend to resort to borderline homosexuality.

We get our drinks and notice a group of three Korean girls, probably our age or so as some of them were drinking out of bottles. I instantaneously scope and isolate a target. It happened exactly that way, because for some reason I describe things like a tactical serial rapist. Here’s a pro-tip from the last person you should take this type of advice from: if you want to look at a girl behind you or something, you have two options:

Take a deep breath, steady your arm, and look through the viewfinder of the DSLR strapped to your neck and zoom in and (this is important) properly focus to get a good look at the girl OR
Pretend to crack your back/stretch as you turn around in your chair and scope real quick

One of these approaches offers mildly more success, YMMV.

After reconnaissance it was clear that only one of the kbzs was worth approaching and the other two would likely cockblock and thwart our entirely imaginary hypothetical attempts to even approach this girl who potentially doesn’t even speak english very well in some awkwardly lit family arcade mixed with adult bar that plays exclusively twerk music for some reason. My friend Willis turns to me and says, “There are two girls with her, and one guy. I can take care of the guy.” Okay Willis, not gay at all, take one for the team, be a bro! He turns to me and asks “Bernard, can you be wingman and take care of the other two girls?” Hell no! I don’t have enough chloroform for TWO girls what are you crazy!

So of course that never happend and we just wait for our drinks and my sweet potato fries. Darryl sees my order of fries and the first thing he says is “That looks like a pretty small order” which he follows immediately with “Can I have some?” and I must’ve slipped my tongue because I said out loud in response: “What, really???” then he nvm’d and left. I felt kinda bad but one thing I’ve learned is to never buy bite-sized finger food ANYTHING with a group of people because one way or another you will end up with less food than you paid for.

I finish my fries and we start playing games to get tickets for this stuffed toy bear that apparently was mismanufactured to look like it has Down syndrome (which I affectionately nicknamed Robert Downey Jr.) Next to the stacker machine I found somebody’s lost iPhone 4, face down on a little stool for keeping your drinks. I’m curious, so I pick up the phone, check the lockscreen, scope it out really quick just in case. It was white, in a black case, with an Adventure Time wallpaper and a few missed texts from Sherry M. I leave it alone because if I were the owner of that phone I’d be hauling my ass back there in a drunken panic looking for it. We move to the next area of games and just as I leave, KBZ and her friends pull up to the Stacker machine. KBZ picks up the phone, looks around and looks at me, pointing to the phone.

Now this gesture can VERY EASILY BE MISINTERPRETED. Luckily I’m not an idiot and assumed she was asking me to call her some time so I shook my head no, almost dismissively in a “lol, no thanks” kinda way. She looks through the phone (WHY?) and ends up holding on to it! Firstly, gross — people poo while on their phones. Secondly, damn! Why’d she have to turn the phone in to some employee? Just leave that shiet there!

But that got me thinking. I could totally fukk with the lost and found here. I was planning on going up to the counter and saying,

“Hi, I’m looking for my phone. I think I lost it somewhere in the arcade. It’s a white iPhone 4 in a black case with an Adventure Time background. My friend Sherry has been trying to text me and that’s when I realized I lost my phone!”

Then my story would check out and I’d snatch that shiet, right? You’d think I’d want to flip it on eBay or something but no that’s some hoodrat filipino supreme lifestyle hustle bs so instead I’d hand that to one of my friends and tell THEM to return it to the lost and found. Then I’d have some OTHER Filipino kid go up there and give them the same story but be like “Wow this is embarrassing, sorry to come up here again but I swear I think I lost my phone here again!” and see what they would do! This is what I think about when I don’t drink and I’m in an arcade with no fighting games with a bunch of Filipino engineers. I never saw that girl again, so naturally my friends return to doing some gay shiet.

Yo remember when Willis said he was gonna take the guy friend? Willis is a handsome Korean guy who is probably the most successful of all of us with girls, and understandably so. But this guy was saying some pauseworthy stuff in the car. For some reason or another the rest of the group was calling him out for bringing up the name “George Song” while the other nerds were talking about like.. Sasha Grey or Asa Akira or some shiet idk right. They were making fun of him for citing gay porn star actor’s names.

That’s when Willis drops the quote of the night: “I have NEVER watched gay porn!” and I call him out immediately for that shiet like yo. You can’t say “I have never watched gay porn” as a complete sentence — there’s some condition there. I think what you meant to say was “I have NEVER watched gay porn… on purpose.” He starts getting all defensive and my other friends are drunk, asking him stuff like “But you’ve seen Meatspin right?” Then Willis says (I’m not making this up), “There was only one of them! So it’s not gay porn!”

-d e a t h e d-

My other friend immediately corrects him and says “Nope, there are two of them” and I’m just going to agree because I have not actually seen that shiet in enough detail to discern two human bodies amidst twirling dick on my screen right. I butt in (nh): “so you’re telling me that if you watch a solo video of some guy masturbating then it’s NOT GAY?” cuz that shiet sounds gay as fukk to me.

I really don’t understand how guys think esp when they’re drunk, and that’s probably because they don’t. We dropped the subject and played some N64 kirby game while I finished my homework at 4am, warm off of Patron in my belly.

bitch drankz n my food.

Fri, 18 May 2012 21:24:00 -0700

2col:

2col:

bitch drankz

n my food.

here’s the birthday boy. lol

Fri, 18 May 2012 21:21:00 -0700

2col:

2col:

here’s the birthday boy. lol

this is the sausage fest i went to d&b with last night!

Fri, 18 May 2012 21:19:00 -0700

2col:

this is the sausage fest i went to d&b with last night!

The thumbs up here does not describe the quality of these almond...

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:24:00 -0700

The thumbs up here does not describe the quality of these almond crusted pork chops and garlic cauliflower mash, as dry pork chops definitely deserve a thumbs down. Instead, it describes the seconddegreeburnablity of cast iron.

burned myself cooking and cut myself shaving success is not an option

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:11:00 -0700

burned myself cooking and cut myself shaving

success is not an option

$1.50: THE PRICE OF SOCIAL INTERACTION

Fri, 18 May 2012 10:45:00 -0700

Girl: Hi there, do you have a minute?
Me: Okay, yeah, sure, tell me what you're all about.
Girl: Have you heard of a blood diamond?
Me: IT SOUNDS LIKE A DIAMOND THAT REQUIRED BLOOD TO BE EXTRACTED.
Girl: That's exactly right! Do you see this pendant? This is Sierra Leone…
*TALKS ABOUT FORCED SLAVERY FOR ILLEGAL DIAMOND MINING*
Me: *nodding* Oh, yeah, that's terrible. I see. Interesting. I totally agree.
Girl: Now Bernard as you can see this is simple technology for prosthetic limbs of the injured, for a small donation with no minimum you can help provide Hands for Africa.
Me: dahahhhhhh WELL THIS IS EMBARRASSING AS I LITERALLY HAVE NO MONEY *SHOWS MONEY CLIP OF ONLY CARDS*
Girl: Well we do take debit.
Me: DAMN UR GOOD. CAN YOU CHARGE A DOLLAR
Girl: Can I challenge you to FIVE dollars?
Me: CAN I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DOLLAR.
Girl: A dollar fifty!
Me: OKAY A DOLLAR FIFTY. YOU DID A GOOD JOB, I KNOW THE PAIN OF PEOPLE NOT WANTING TO LISTEN TO A THING YOU SAY. AND THAT'S 1.50 AS IN A DOLLAR FIFTY. NOT $150. AND THAT'S GOING TO HANDS FOR AFRICA. NOT YOUR PERSONAL FUND.
Girl: uh ok thank you bernard have a nice day
Me: *BLERN RESPONSE*

Just stole TWO pieces of fruit from Pippin — that’s...

Fri, 18 May 2012 10:38:15 -0700

Just stole TWO pieces of fruit from Pippin — that’s one more than the allowed maximum! This is the most excitement I’ve had in YEARS!

but i didnt steal no backpack tho

Got swiped in to Pippin commons for breakfast. Tried to keep...

Fri, 18 May 2012 10:36:04 -0700

Got swiped in to Pippin commons for breakfast. Tried to keep this paleo as well, but they put cheese in my omelette -_-

100% de agave, totalmente páleo

Fri, 18 May 2012 03:30:14 -0700

100% de agave, totalmente páleo

beg to differ

Summary of the Weekend

Dinner: nothing at In n Out.

Photo

Managed to stay paleo at home. Finding ingredients in a standard...

Home alone with my best friend.

Photo

if only my skillet could be as smooth as this

Drive (2011)

I was *this close* to just murking myself if these muffins...

lol when I make statuses with multiple comments that are...

So I’m at Dave & Busters with a bunch of other awkward...

bitch drankz n my food.

here’s the birthday boy. lol

this is the sausage fest i went to d&b with last night!

The thumbs up here does not describe the quality of these almond...

burned myself cooking and cut myself shaving success is not an option

$1.50: THE PRICE OF SOCIAL INTERACTION

Just stole TWO pieces of fruit from Pippin — that’s...

Got swiped in to Pippin commons for breakfast. Tried to keep...

100% de agave, totalmente páleo

I was this close to just murking myself if these muffins...