beg to differ

[REVIEW] THE DONUTTERY, HUNTINGTON BEACH

BACKGROUND AND MOTIVATION:

MY BROTHER AND I HAVE BEEN TRAINING AT THE GYM WHILE FOLLOWING A PALEO DIET PLAN. HOWEVER, WE ARE BOTH LEAVING THIS THURSDAY — HIM, TO BOSTON, AND I, TO THE PHILIPPINES. WITH OUR GYM MEMBERSHIPS ON HOLD AND THE CLOCK RUNNING DOWN TO GRAB SOME FINE LOCAL DOUGHNUTS BEFORE BEING SUBJECTED TO THE UBIQUITY OF DUNKIN DONUTS WE HEADED OUT TO A SPOT NEW TO US, THE DONUTTERY IN HUNTINGTON.

WE FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE SPOT AFTER AN UNFORESEEN SOUTHBOUND I-405 DETOUR. THE PLACE WAS EMPTY AND THERE WAS NO WAIT — A REFRESHING CHANGE OF PACE FROM THE M&M DONUT CROWD.

I HAD MY FIVE PANEL ON, I WAS ABOUT TO ‘COP’ DOUGHNUTS, AND I LOOKED PREGGERS. THIS IS SUPERFUTURE.

THE DONUTTERY’S CASHIER WAS A KIND OLD VIETNAMESE LADY. WE TOLD HER OUR ORDER AND SHE GENEROUSLY THREW IN AN EXTRA DONUT TO MAKE IT AN ‘EVEN’ BAKER’S DOZEN. WE ORDERED SOME OF THE MORE EXPENSIVE SPECIALTY DONUTS — I WAS EXPECTING TO PAY ABOUT $15, BUT WE WERE CHARGED THE NORMAL PRICE FOR THE DOZEN, DESPITE HAVING AN EXTRA DONUT AND HALF OF THE ORDER BEING SPECIAL DONUTS.

MATERIALS AND METHODS:

CLOCKWISE, FROM TOP LEFT: PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY, STRAWBERRY NUTELLA, APPLE CRISP CINNAMON SUGAR, RED VELVET CREAM CHEESE, STRAWBERRY GLAZED, BLUEBERRY GLAZED. THE OVERALL VARIETY AT THE DONUTTERY FOR DOUGHNUTS ALONE IS GREAT, BETTER THAN M&MS, AND EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE WHEN CONSIDERING THEIR MEAL OPTIONS TOO.

THE DONUTS WERE PHOTOGRAPHED, DISSECTED INTO QUARTERS OR EIGHTHS, ASSESSED FOR THEIR AROMA, THEN EATEN AND EVALUATED FOR TASTE, TEXTURE, AND ORIGINALITY UNTIL A CONCLUSION COULD BE REACHED / AD NAUSEUM.

RESULTS AND DISCUSSION:

THE FIRST DONUT TASTED WAS THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY DONUT. IT FEATURES CHOPPED PEANUTS ON A PEANUT BUTTER ‘GLAZE,’ ATOP A RAISED DONUT FILLED WITH STRAWBERRY FILLING. IT TASTES LIKE A PEASANT CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY SANDWICH. WOULD NOT RECOMMEND UNLESS YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF POVERTY AND STRUGGLE. THE STRAWBERRY AND NUTELLA DONUT WAS NOT EVEN TASTED BECAUSE ITS COMPOSITION WAS ESSENTIALLY THE SAME AS THE PB&J.

NEXT, BLUEBERRY DONUTS WERE TASTED TO COMPARE TO PREVIOUS ENCOUNTERS W/ OTHER BAKERIES. THE FLAVOR IS STILL ARTIFICIALLY BLUEBERRY. THE TEXTURE IS NOT AS GOOD AS A FRESHLY FRIED M&M BLOOB, BUT STILL MOIST FOR A CAKE DONUT, AND SLIGHTLY CHEWY. THE GLAZE IS SWEET BUT NOT OVERWHELMING, BUT LACKS THE ‘HOT JIZZ MANSNACK’ QUALITIES THAT M&M DOES SO WELL. THE DONUTTERY’S EFFORTS RESULTED IN A NEVERTHELESS TASTY DOUGHNUT.

A VARIATION ON THE GLAZED CAKE DONUT WAS THE STRAWBERRY DONUT. LIKE THE BLUEBERRY, IT TASTES ARTIFICIAL AND MORE LIKE A FRUIT-FLAVOR THAN ACTUAL FRUIT. IT TASTES LIKE THE FILLING OF A STRAWBERRY POPTART, BUT IT HAD THE CONSISTENCY OF DDUKBOKKI. IT WAS VERY DOUGHY AND THICK, BRIGHT RED AND VERY FAKE TASTING — NOT PLEASANT.

THE APPLE CRISP CINNAMON SUGAR WAS WAS EXTRA DONUT IN THE BAKER’S DOZEN. IT WAS SURPRISINGLY FRESH. IT WAS WARM, CRUNCHY ON THE OUTSIDE, DOUGHY AND LIGHT ON THE INSIDE SIMILAR TO A M&M BLOOB. THE ICING AND CINNAMON SUGAR TOPPING, HOWEVER, IS A BIT OVERWHELMING, AND TO MY DISAPPOINTMENT I WAS NOT ABLE TO FIND THE APPLE FLAVOR. THE CRISP IS DEFINITELY THERE THOUGH, AND THE TEXTURE AND FRESHNESS PUSHED THIS DONUT TO THE VERY TOP. 

CONCLUSION:

A ★★★★ MEAL, CONSIDERING:

• THERE WAS NO WAIT
• CUSTOMER SERVICE IS GREAT — I GOT AN EXTRA, FRESHLY MADE DONUT TOSSED IN
• THE PRICE IS GOOD — I GOT 13 DONUTS INCLUDING SPECIALTY DONUTS BUT WAS ONLY CHARGED FOR A NORMAL DOZEN.
• THE VARIETY IS NICE — THERE ARE PLENTY OF TRADITIONAL AND SPECIALTY DONUTS TO CHOOSE FROM, AND IF YOU WANT SOMETHING SAVORY, THEY HAVE AN ASSORTMENT OF BAGELS/SANDWICHES AND OTHER BREAKFAST ITEMS.

THE DONUTTERY IS A DECENT DONUT SPOT BUT LIKELY NOT WORTH ENDURING A 405 DETOUR FOR. LUCKILY THEY ARE OPEN 24 HOURS, SO PLAN YOUR TRIP ACCORDINGLY. I WOULD NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN THOUGH, BECAUSE AT THE MOMENT THE THOUGHT OF A DOUGHNUT IS TREMENDOUSLY NAUSEATING.

APPENDIX:

HAD AN OPEN FACED LOX/CAPER/RED ONION/TOMATO/CREAM CHEESE BAGEL SANDWICH. IT WAS PRETTY GOOD UNTIL I REALIZED I HAD FISH AND CAPERS FERMENTING ON TOP OF VARIOUS DONUTS IN MY STOMACH.